On mothers, boyfriends, toddlers and sex

10 Feb

toddlers 2The naked woman straddles the man whose bare legs are stretched out lazily in front of him. She’s lost in the moment as she works hard to extract what little pleasure she can from his small, limp penis.

A small, face appears behind her, a boy, perhaps two and a half, not quite three years old. He watches this scene for a second then calls out “mama”, no response. Maybe they didn’t hear so he tries louder “mama’, again no response, his mother’s attention is elsewhere. The little boy, looking trapped, raises his left arm and pulls at his ear in discomfort. Too young to understand exactly what’s going on he intuitively feels he shouldn’t be seeing this.

Speaking in Ndebele, the man says, “Sengiphos’ukuqeda” [I’m about to finish].

She stops briefly and asks “Uthi kunjani?” [What did you say?].

Ngithi kanti wena awuqedi? Sengiphosa ukuqeda” [I said are you not ready to finish? I’m about to finish], he repeats.

A few seconds later, the man puts his hand on her hip and the woman gets off his lap. “Mhh, angiqedanga mina” [Mhh, I didn’t finish] she says in disappointment.

“Uzabuya usuqeda” [You’ll finish later] he reassures her. She walks off the screen and the video ends.

Except the story doesn’t end there! Someone posts the video on the internet and so begins a global hunt to “name and shame” the woman.

She’s since been identified as a 24 year old Zimbabwean who lives in South Africa. She recently issued a statement to say the man in the video is the father of her son and the video must have been leaked by mobile phone repair workers when she took her phone for repairs.

An extract of her statement reads:

“The man who shot the video is my only lover and is father to my son. I was not coerced into making this video, we did it for fun. In fact, my boyfriend took the video using my cell phone. Soon after he gave it back to me and how it went viral is my sole responsibility. However, I remember at some stage I had problems with the cell phone and then took it to a cell phone repair shop. I believe it is where the video was stolen and then circulated.”

About her  son watching she says:

“I really don’t know why on earth I did not stop. I regret everything. Its now like I don’t love my son, I love him so much, nothing on earth surpasses my love for him.”

“I am now even scared going back to Zimbabwe. How am I gonna face my grandmother in Mzilikazi? I am being insulted and abused every day by strangers on my phone. There is no single day that passes without any abuse. I accept I made a terrible mistake but I want to assure all those who are concerned that such a thing won’t happen again.”

She goes on to say that the video has led to the father of her son resigning from work.

“He had taken me to his work place, unfortunately some people had seen the video and managed to identify me. It was so devastating, so my boyfriend had to resign from work because of that. Now you can see how we have suffered because of this. We are being tormented every day and night.”

This incident raises issues on so many levels, about parental responsibility, child abuse, African culture’s attitude towards women having sex, privacy and issues around bad sex and whether women should speak up when their needs are not met. Do you feel it matters whether the man is her only lover or the father of her child?, what about the man, why was there no campaign to name and shame him? Is it ever a good idea to let anyone make a sex tape of you?

This one’s up for general discussion.Tell us your thoughts!

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6 Responses to “On mothers, boyfriends, toddlers and sex”

  1. Raylene Lindsay February 10, 2013 at 8:25 am #

    “The Good Mother”, a novel by Sue Miller considers these themes as well ( i.e. emotional reactions to childhood exposure to adult sexuality) and then, even though in the book, the issue then centres on our reliance on the courts to provide legal solutions to ethical problems, I think that could be analogous to the increasing role of public opinion (prompted by the impact of globalisation and social media etc.) in facilitating a sort of unofficial universal sentencing to ethical situations presenting themselves.

  2. Noma February 10, 2013 at 5:34 pm #

    I don’t believe he is the father. I also believe that the man leaked that video to the Internet. Even if the man was in the video, society would still blame the woman for the act foolishness. I think this is a good example of why you shouldn’t let anyone do a sex tape of you.

  3. Patience February 11, 2013 at 7:51 am #

    Until her then ten year old boy cousin came to visit over the Christmas holidays, my daughter had no clue that her grandparents could actually get angry and raise their voices. Before then, it had just been the two old people and herself –it was a peaceful existence. The first time she heard her grandfather shout angrily, she was so affected and believed there was something extremely wrong happening and got scared. So imagine a child exposed to the visual nature of sex at such a young age as has happened to this young boy. Children register things and then later make sense of what it was they saw. And when this sort of thing comes to be public knowledge, the woman is condemned and deemed unfit. Note: the MOTHER and not the PARENTS. I can’t exactly put into words my feelings of utter distaste for what happened to this young boy and how does the system correct this? Charge the parents with child abuse? Assume the child has been damaged and allow social workers to deal with him or make a note to send him to therapy in the future when he starts displaying signs of deviant behaviour? Or do we remove this child who happens to be in his formative years from his mother? How the hell do we deal with this? Of course partners, lovers, parents don’t always have a stipulated time to be intimate and do not always lock bedroom doors and I tried to imagine what I might do should a young impressionable child walk in on me but I definitely wouldn’t carry on and I imagine that I would have an educated man in that moment who will realise the possible damage to the child and play along with me in …lol…disentangling ourselves!! On a different note, it’s just stupid to record some things even with the man you would die for (tongue in cheek!).

  4. Patience February 11, 2013 at 8:07 am #

    oh…lol…was the performance THAT bad? though i am a journalist, i am not curious enough to watch the video – the abuse of children in any form can stop my heart so i have chosen to just read it here and in the local media here in Zim.

    that she tried to pleasure herself is a none issue – women also need to destress in the way that suits them – and i guess raising that boy single-handedly is a strain but maybe she needs a better ‘instrument’ from what has been described here!!!

    but as african women we shouldn’t be quick to demonise our own and just take time to dissect issues.

    • everyafricanwoman February 11, 2013 at 8:19 am #

      A friend of mine put it best when she said, ‘the sex wasn’t even worth all the reputational damage’

  5. Patience February 13, 2013 at 9:30 am #

    shame then…poor woman!

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